It was around 11:00am on a bus from London to Brussels. We had missed our 8am bus to Bruges and the reality of this adventure was first settling in. Heading to Belgium was a turning point in the trip, because it was the first place where we didn’t know anybody or anything about where we were going. Since we missed the bus to Bruges, we had to forego the plans we had for the evening with a couch surfer friend and the hostel we had already booked. Now that we were on our way to Brussels instead, this Eurotrip felt real.
On the fringe of my comfort zone is where I do the best reflecting. As I’m forced to face the feelings of the moment, I’m able to clearly see the parallels with familiar feelings from the Past. There’s a certain level of discomfort that goes with not knowing what’s going to happen next.. and I now see how I’ve held this same discomfort in my relationships. It’s funny how easily I could switch my mindset from Bruges to Brussels, but how stubborn I’ve been in the Past when I relationship goes in a direction I wasn’t expecting. I’ve learned to acknowledge my own faults and recognize when I’m using someone else’s faults to hide my own. Now that I’m able to focus on when I’m projecting versus communicating, I’ve become really hard on myself and my Past decisions. I’ve been too willing to accept all of the blame for the failures in my relationships. But a relationship involves two people. And these relationships are in the Past. The reality is this.. I cannot change my Past. All I can do is take what I’ve learned to move forward. So in an effort to bridge to Past to who I want to be.. I’ve decided to write a letter for my Present Self.
I accept you. It’s okay that you weren’t perfect in every moment. It’s okay that you made mistakes. It’s okay that you didn’t know then what you know now, because this is how Life Lessons are learned. You are strong. You are confident. You are going to accomplish Great things. Stay focused on what is important and embrace everything that you have to offer.. even when it feels like it isn’t enough. It is enough. You are enough. Remember that it’s okay to have doubts, but that these doubts do not define you or make decisions for you. You are in control of your future. Allow yourself to be Happy. Let go of the Past that you’re holding onto that isn’t allowing you to move forward. I forgive you.
Work in Progress.
I’ve gotten so used to the accusatory texts from my ex-gf that state how everything wrong in our relationship was entirely my fault.. but that’s not fair. At some point, I need to remember that it takes two people to be together. Both have a responsibility, and there’s a lot to be said for the reality that sometimes those two people just don’t belong together. Regardless of how bad one or each of them want it to work, there are circumstances that just don’t work. Love is a real bitch like that sometimes. We need to be self-aware enough to recognize when something just isn’t working and strong enough to make the right decision. The allure of what is comfortable, what is there, and what you’ve already worked so hard for can be very tempting.. but once you know that it isn’t right, you are only sparing your heart (and theirs) by having the strength to wish them well and move on. I suck at this. I have such a fear of being alone and dying alone and wondering if I’ll ever find somebody else who will accept me for who I am. I’ve worked so hard to be more accepting of the people around me.. who they are, their strengths and faults, but what’s the use in being accepting if I’m still learning to Accept Myself.
I’ll never find True Love if I don’t truly Love my Self. Just as I do in others, I need to accept my overconfident ego-driven facade, as well as truly love the genuine depths of my flaws, worries, disappointments, and unfulfilled dreams. In this, there is true strength.
The Strength in Self-Acceptance..
Be Strong, Friends.